We are almost 8 months into marriage and life is so sweet but it is not without its lessons to be learnt. Being a newlywed is an odd stage of life - on one hand, getting married marked the end of our childhood and the ‘normality’ that we knew and on the other hand, it’s just the first door of a whole lot of new experiences and opportunities. It’s a season of arriving and a season of preparation all at once. There’s a cute pinterest quote that says “when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”. But it does not go further to expand that when the rest of your life has started, there are endless possibilities and responsibilities and decisions that can affect the rest of your life.
Every time I look down at my left hand and see the diamonds sparkling, or wake up hearing my husband’s deep breathing beside me, or say my new surname, I feel like I need to pinch myself to check if this is all real. My little girl dream of marrying her handsome prince has become a reality. Yet so much of life continues at its crazy pace and new challenges arise - some that come with this new season and some that are just life, regardless of the season.
One of my biggest challenges that I am facing and trying to grow through is worry - especially about the future. God has provided over and above, in both my husband’s and my work, our wedding and marriage, and a roof over our head that has allowed us to be saving well. But there are increasingly more and more moments that I notice myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious about all the ducks that need to line up by 12 months, 5 years, and 20 years because I want to be well prepared for all that is next. It seems like every time we do a grocery shop, there is something on our usual list that has gone up in price, bills are growing, and we have started looking to buy a house so that has brought a whole new layer of fear. Fear about how to make such a big decision wisely when it’s such a new thing, fear about if we will be able to sustain a mortgage with all the increased rates and expenses, and fear that something could go wrong. The decisions that we make, especially something so big as buying a house, will affect our life 2, 5, 10 years from now and you don’t know in hindsight what life could have been like if we bought sooner or bought later or bought in another area or bought just a different property. And it is very daunting choosing a pathway out of so many options when you can only see the very first step of the path.
Another area of life that we as a couple are trying to focus and grow in, is our habits. What music we listen to, how we spend our time, how we speak to and about others, and how we can continue to bring more of God into our daily life. Our prayer is to become parents one day and all these behaviours that we want to model to our future children are not going to just happen on their own. So we are being conscious to train ourselves now so that when kids do come along and life gets hectic, these habits are second nature. Our marriage is not just about us loving each other and living with each other. Marriage has a massive purpose of representing the relationship between Jesus and His people, of refining our own character to train us to be more like Jesus, and to raise up the next generation in a safe, loving, and God-honoring home so that they know God for themselves. With the blatant evil, confusion and destruction of all that is good and lovely everywhere we look, we are so aware of the battle for our children’s hearts and minds that will come and it can be overwhelming attempting to strategise the best way to protect and raise our future children. But, back to the ol’ worry thing, I can’t control much of what has happened and what will come, but I can control my own behaviours and habits and love Jesus with all my heart. And I can pray that by just loving Jesus and keeping Him centre of my whole day, one day, my kids will love Jesus and put Him in the centre too. Honestly, some days I get impatient and just want precious poppets to start loving now, and other days, I am so thankful for every extra day that I can learn, grow and prepare to be the best mum I can possibly be.
My career is something always on my mind. I have been so blessed to have some great opportunities open up in my current workplace and it seems like God is continuing to reassure me that He’s opened this door for this season and I can be at peace with remaining here. And then something comes up in discussion about Global Health or health focused mission work or even I see something on instagram about starting your own business to be able to work from home and generate income while being home with children and I wonder whether I’m on the right trajectory. Kids aside, I’m on a good road to increasing opportunities within the Department of Health, but there will come a point where I will have to choose my kids or my career and 100% kids come first. My worry is not about needing to drop my “career”, because my number 1 dream as a kid was just to be a mother, but it is so hard to raise a family without 2 incomes. At this stage, I just don’t know how feasible dropping to a single income would be and how I could continue to financially support our family yet raise our children. It scares me not having a plan and I feel like I need to be starting something now to set up for the future when I am not working full time. But I don’t have a plan and I have no idea what the next 5 years will look like and I can’t know. God doesn’t give us a roadmap, He gives us step-by-step instructions, and sometimes He just metaphorically gives us a bag of lollies and asks us to pick a colour to direct our next steps!
So, with all these big preparations for milestones coming up within the years ahead, my brain has been working in overdrive a loooottt. My darling husband is so patient with me and gives me many, many reassuring hugs. But as perfect as he is, he is not God and God is the only One who can replace worry, doubt and fear with trust, hope and faith. ‘Faith’ continues to be my word for the year and I need to remind myself more often than I do, that I can have faith that God knows what the future holds. I need to let go of control and of needing to prepare for every single possible future scenario, and simply put my faith in God. I need to focus on my faith and growing my relationship with Jesus and He will shed light on how He wants me to approach all these areas of my life - the ones that are in front of me now, and the ones that are up ahead. If I spend time with Jesus and continue to read His word and understand more of God’s heart, then that will flow out into being able to make house decisions in confidence that He is our Provider. It will flow out into building Godly habits and preparing for future children in a way that brings peace and joy and not anxiety. And it will flow out into settledness and trust in the doors that God opens in my career, knowing that He knows my heart and will provide a way when that time comes. Worship music and journaling have been some of the ways that I have calmed my mind and brought God’s truth back to my heart and I am so thankful for the many ways that God gives us to connect with Him.
I hope that this little window into my life at the moment is encouraging no matter what season of preparation you are in and that you would find hope in our Provider and Prince of Peace who has a purpose for you today as well as purpose for your future. We can live in each day putting God first and being faithful to what He has called us to do, while also being conscious to make wise choices that will build towards our future.
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