According to plan

Surprise, surprise, my life is not exactly going according to plan again! After finishing uni at the end of October, I thought that for sure by January, I would be settling into a new, full time job. I envisioned walking into a lovely office dressed in professional clothing and high heels, conversing with other professionals, being part of fancy meetings, interacting with various stakeholders in public health and contributing to society... I was so passionate about my field and so excited to apply what I had learnt into practice, and the first few applications were filled with hope and anticipation of where my next step would be. Fast forward 3 months and ~20 applications later, lately I have been feeling discouraged, un-inspired, doubtful that I had even done the right degree, and the excited light in my eyes when talking about it has dimmed because I am still not really any closer to getting a job. Choosing to trust, choosing joy, putting my hope in God and surrendering to His plan have been daily, if not hourly, mental decisions, and honestly, even looking for jobs and filling out applications has been really hard to not give up on.

I know in my head that God has called me to this area, and He has a plan and a door that He will open in His perfect timing. I don't know why that hasn't happened yet or when that will be and how long this application and waiting season will be. But, I do know that God uses all things for good (Romans 8:28) and He is using this season to grow me in so many areas at the moment so if you're in a waiting season for anything at the moment, I hope some of these points encourage you too.

Firstly, the most humbling thing I have been recognizing, is my pride. As someone who always strives to have it all together, to make sure things go according to plan, to do things at a high standard and achieve whatever I set my mind to, sharing with people that I have been unsuccessful for so many resumes and a few interviews has been way harder than I care to admit. My pride taking a hit is not a bad thing of course, but it's not a fun thing to be reminded of just how human I am and how little control I have over my life. God gently keeps reminding me that my worth is not in my job title, closed doors doesn't mean I'm a failure, and that humility is something I need to learn to love.

Secondly, without uni and only working part time, I have been feeling a little lost and lacking for purpose. Without something to accomplish, or a list to tick off, I am out of my comfort zone. But when I was reading Proverbs 11 the other day, verse 28 stood out to me "He who trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will flourish like foliage" and I felt God remind me that every season is a time to flourish, not just busy seasons. That when I put my hope in Him, I will be able to flourish in the stillness and not feel lost or unsettled in this season. My sole purpose in life is to be His daughter and a representative of God's love. So my purpose remains unchanged, whether my to-do list is 2 things or 20 things and whether they are small tasks of simply serving in my house or big things like a fancy office job that hopefully will come one day.

Thirdly, worry is a temptation that leads to the destruction of my peace and joy. When I look through my earthly eyes of the reality of how hard it is to get that first job without experience, my heart is filled with doubt. But doubt is the opposite of trust, and God is trustworthy 100% of the time so we need to take those worry thoughts captive and replace them with God's truth. Here is where I find music to be soooo helpful. When I am feeling discouraged, I put on my 2022-HOPE playlist that is 2 hours of songs that remind me of my hope in Him, that He is faithful, that He is with me, that He is good all the time, and that I can trust Him always - as I sing the words out loud or in my head, my mind is overtaking my feelings and gradually exchanging the worry feelings with true joy feelings and encouragement. If you want to check it out, here is the link (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0BfbVM9K2xBnIIgbjURqUq?si=f4f506a5a1164644)

Fourthly, part of the reason I am so keen to be in full time work is to be earning full time salary and set myself up for my future. However good old Proverbs came through again in chapter 13:7 "There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing; and one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches" and God reminded me that setting myself up for the future is more than financial. He wants me to store up internal and eternal "riches" of good habits and character traits like giving generously, blessing people with my time, serving others, becoming more self-less, being more kind and loving, and being faithful to what He's called me to each day, even if it's not something that I think is super exciting. Having more time in my life at the moment is an excellent opportunity to make the most of and focus more on my character rather than my outwardly achievements.

Fifthly, the word God gave me this year has been ridiculously #accurate and we're only 1 month in aha. Proverbs 13:12 says "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and when we put our hope in a moving target of "if I could only get to this stage of life" or "if I could have this amount of money" or "if I could have this particular job" then when it doesn't happen, or it takes longer than we want, or the standard we want to get to changes, our heart gets sick with discouragement and discontentment. But God isn't a moving target, He is the only solid and secure thing we can put our hope in - Proverbs 14:26-27 says "In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death." We have more than a little bit of hopeful confidence, we can have strong confidence putting all our hope in Him. Proverbs 14:14 says "But a good man will be satisfied from above." When our hope and satisfaction is in Him, we can be full of contentment in whatever our season is, planned or unplanned, because again, unlike the seasons that change frequently, God never changes and in Him is ALLLLL we need.

Lastly, God has been reminding me of something that is not new but I often forget. All of this, all of the applications, the waiting, the choosing to trust, the taking thoughts captive, etc is way too hard to do in my own strength. And thankfully I don't have to do it in my own strength because that ran out a few months ago now haha but I can do this through His strength and His grace that is renewed daily. Every day that I have been reading His word, He has been gently teaching me things and encouraging me and giving me something to hold onto each day and I am just so grateful. This season has been growing a love for His word that is deeper than I have ever felt before and I am so grateful that even though this season is so unknown and I won't understand it fully until sometime in the future, He has been showing me little snippets of what He has been doing in and through me.

I wish I could say that I was thriving in this season, doing these 5 things perfectly, full of joy every single day and fully at peace and rest with where I am right now. To be honest, I feel very exposed sharing this when there is no happy ending of "I waited and God taught me all these things and then I got my dream job" (.....yet..... ). The truth is, some days I feel very frustrated, very discouraged, feel like I am letting myself and others down, feeling not good enough, feeling like maybe I made the wrong choice with my study and feeling very weary of feeling like I'm in groundhog day. But the good news is that those are just feelings and feelings are directed by our thoughts, not the other way round. So if you are also in a season of waiting for something whether it's also a job, or it's a relationship or it's some other kind of opportunity then be encouraged that you are not alone, your thoughts have power over your feelings so by filling your head with His truth you can be encouraged, His strength and grace is renewed every single day for you, His word is alive and His spirit is always waiting to speak to you, and He can and wants to still use you and grow you in whatever season you're in right now. My life and your life may not be going according to OUR plans, but rest assured it is all going according to His plan. Lots of love to all of you who read this and I pray this is an encouragement to you whatever season you're in. xoxo