This week marks 6 months with my gorgeous boyfriend Jacob, so I thought it was a good chance to invite him onto the blog and talk about the different things we’ve both learnt individually in the past, and together as a couple. We brainstormed 10 questions or tips related to dating or pre-dating and wrote down some of our thoughts and experiences. Obviously we are imperfect human beings who are still learning a loooottt, however we wanted to share some of the things that we have learnt or done that have been working well for us so far. So without any further adieu, here goes the first question.
#1 Tip - Find someone who is on fire for God as much as you are.
Jacob - There’s a difference in being a Christian and being on ‘fire’ for God. It’s super important to find someone who is actively seeking God and living by His word. How you know that someone is serious about their faith is by looking at their actions. For example, being involved in community, regularly attending church, serving, reading the bible and encouraging others.
Isabelle - The reason it’s so important to find someone that not only says they are a Christian but is growing in their faith is because you can grow together and actually support one another in their faith journeys. Girls especially - God calls the man to be the spiritual head of the family, so we need to find a guy that will lead us closer to Jesus, and not distract us away from Jesus.
#2 Question - what are the top 5 things you should look for in a potential partner other than tip#1?)
Jacob - someone who puts the other person before themselves, someone who is intentional in getting to know someone properly before they consider dating, someone who respects and listens to and cares about others, someone who is authentic and allows you to be your authentic self comfortably too, and someone you can laugh with a lot and talk with for hours.
Isabelle - someone who has a good work ethic, someone who demonstrates their integrity and character through their actions, someone who follows through on what they say, someone who has their own accountability source, and someone who thinks they are punching above their weight with you.
#3 Question - How do we seek God as a couple?
Once we had been together 3 months, we wanted to figure out how we can seek God as a couple, not just as 2 individuals. We didn’t want to start anything too early because once you start going deep spiritually with someone, you start to build spiritual ties that connect you and would be difficult to break. But once we were pretty sure that this was going to be long term, we decided to start studying a book about hearing the voice of God (Whisper by Mark Batterson). We set a time each week where we would read a chapter aloud together, talk about what we got out of it and how to apply it, and then pray for each other. Another lovely thing to do is go to church with each other and even serve in ministry together - we actually got to know each other through helping with the Alpha course and young adults leading together before we started dating. It was so cool getting to see each other’s heart for God before we even started considering dating.
#4 Tip - How to set and stick to physical boundaries in dating
First thing that is super important is to communicate expectations very early. I (Isabelle) had always wanted to save my first kiss until I was engaged, and that came up randomly in a group conversation not long before we started dating. It meant Jacob knew where I was at, and he went home and prayed about it. Not only did he have a peace about it, but God showed him that this was helpful, healthy and God honoring. The night Jacob asked me out, he brought this topic up, communicating to me that he was very supportive of us sticking to this boundary which was so incredibly assuring for me. To help us with this, of course we know God is always with us and we keep each other accountable. Thinking about how to best honor the other person also keeps the focus off ourselves and onto the other person. Additionally, having outside accountability from mentors, close friends and family is an added help to keep us on track! For us, we decided things like holding hands and cuddling on the couch watching movies was okay because firstly, most of the time our families or other people are around and secondly, we trust ourselves not to cross our boundaries. But every couple is different, so when you start dating someone, figure out what boundaries are going to be the most helpful for you both as a couple. And then pray about it with each other and commit to sticking to it.
#5 Tip - Navigating becoming part of each other’s family
Jacob - Family for some people is a very big part of their lives and it was very evident that was how it was with Isabelle. Being at the same church, I already knew and was friends with her sister, but didn’t know her parents very well. Her parents wanted to get to know me right from the beginning, so I came over for dinner and had a nice chat one on ‘two’ with them for over an hour. I really loved them being around, and being included in fun family things and was proactive in asking them questions to get to know them better too. Isabelle and I can talk for hours just one on one, but we also really enjoy just sitting having coffee with her parents chatting about the day etc which has really helped me feel comfortable and accepted. When they had things on, I helped out as much as I could setting up or doing gardening or cleaning up, genuinely wanting to contribute as part of the family, not just being a guest. It’s also been helpful being really open to advice and wisdom from her parents so we can learn from their experience and show my respect for them allowing me to date their daughter.
Isabelle - Knowing how close our family is, letting a guy in is a big deal, but Jacob’s sweetness in being intentional to get to know my whole family was such an answer to prayer. I was also super nervous about getting to know his family, hoping they would like me! It was very amusing the first time I came to his house as his dad’s first words to me were “finally! I’ve heard about you all winter, all spring and all summer!” so that was super cute and they were so gorgeous and welcoming which I was so appreciative of. I love how close (and extremely funny!) Jacob’s family are and getting to know his sister and her family too has been so lovely. I tried to think of ways that I could do little things to bless them and help them out when I can. I try to be a good listener too, and I certainly love hearing funny stories about Jacob! And they are always so sweet in checking up on all the areas of my life when I see them.
#6 Question - What are some of the best things we’ve done or put in place to really get to know each other?
One of the really helpful tools in both planning dates and getting to know each other is understanding each other’s love languages. Quality time is definitely right at the top for both of us, followed by words of affirmation. So when thinking of plans, we try to think of things that fill each other's love tank. Things like, talking on the phone rather than messaging to build good connection (which we do every day that we don’t see each other), going for lots of walks, doing couples questions to prompt random conversation, try to do dates that involve quality time rather than just like Netflix (although we do enjoy our weekend movie nights too), serve in ministry together, double dates and chatting to other couples, doing cute little surprises for each other, picnics, taking lots of photos, learning how to dance with each other (and always dancing in the kitchen), writing long letters to each other, and doing the normal life things like cooking dinner, shopping, babysitting, workouts etc. We put together a google doc with categories of ‘rainy day dates’, ‘places to walk’, ‘other fun ideas’, and ‘ideas for the future’ (with some cute, random dreams or plans).
#7 Question - What are some of the areas you’ve grown in since starting dating?
Jacob - One thing I have been learning is to let go of doing things/ working things out on my own, and being able to let someone else in to my world and share my life with. To move the focus from the present, and just myself, to prioritizing time to invest into bettering myself as I think and get more excited about the future. I’ve also been learning about Isabelle and all the things in her life, and how to best support and care for her. I’ve become more confident and comfortable in embracing how I was created, in areas like my faith and how I pray, and being a leader at church. I’ve grown in being able to just be my authentic self and be completely comfortable without overthinking and be present in the moment.
Isabelle - for me, I still had some insecurities and fears about trusting someone to truly and deeply love me as I am, and especially when Jacob is so amazing (and practically perfect in every way), my own flaws seemed even more highlighted. So firstly, I had to take those negative thoughts captive and remind myself that my identity and worth only come from God. Secondly, to be grateful for the areas God shows me I need to work on so that I can continue to grow. The other area that I have grown in, (a work in progress!) is making sure that I am proactive in keeping God number 1 and going to God FIRST with all my problems, not Jacob (as wonderful as he is!) I still obviously talk to Jacob about everything and appreciate his constant support, advice and love, however he is just a human and the only One who can fully complete us and meet all our needs perfectly is God. Keeping God number one keeps my priorities and focus in order, and means that I can actually be a better me for Jacob.
#8 Tip - How and when to talk about your future
It is really important to ask some of those big questions like if you want to have kids, where you want to live, where you see yourself in 5, 10 years, etc early on in either intentionally getting to know someone or dating. It’s not to freak you both out or put pressure on you as a couple to expect your relationship to become long term, but so that if things do go well and you continue moving forward, you are both headed in the same direction and can align your lives together. However, one thing we do want to flag is, that talking too much about the future and all the dreams and plans you both have, can mean that you start to lose focus and contentment in the present. So keep your eyes mostly fixed on just enjoying one day at a time, but still headed on the same path together.
#9 Tip - Using our time well
One thing that we both appreciate and admire about each other is how hardworking and productive we both are. We have set up a really good system that we would highly recommend, which is that during the weekdays when Jacob is working and Isabelle is studying or working, we try to keep focused on the task in front of us. In the evenings we chat on the phone to discuss our day, and on weekends, we are free to put aside the jobs of the week and just enjoy our time together to the fullest and relax. It is very tempting (especially for the uni student!) to get distracted by messaging throughout the day, but it’s so nice to get all my uni done for the week and not have to think about it on the weekends, instead of still having tasks to complete when Jacob has free time. So our advice is to work hard and then relax hard -haha!!
#10 Question - What is your biggest piece of advice about dating?
Jacob - I would say, when you're in a relationship, always make the other person feel like they are valued and treasured. Put the effort in the small things so they never feel like you are taking them for granted. Remind them constantly that you love and care so much for them always. Accept that you cant always fix things but you can be that person who is always there to listen to and support them. And honestly, do what ever it is you can to bring out their gorgeous smile as much as possible because by doing that, it changes their mood instantly. Regardless of how you're feeling or how tired you might be, whenever you're talking to your partner always give your full attention to show you are fully invested in what they're saying.
Isabelle - To be honest, one of my biggest pieces of advice is to not kiss while dating. Firstly, it is really special to save your first kiss for the person that you are going to marry. Secondly, it is a helpful boundary to have so that you are both honoring God and each other's purity in your relationship. When 2 people kiss, it triggers a physiological response and makes it much harder to stick to a clear line. Thirdly, not spending date time kissing, allows us to get to know each other's heart and personality, and to build a strong best-friend-ship foundation that will last forever.
As we said, we are still only 6 months in and learning all the time, but we hope you enjoyed reading a snippet of some of the things that we have been doing... and hearing from my gorgeous man himself!
Comments