To all the single girls....

God’s design for His children is that His princesses have a heart that longs to be ‘captivated’ by her prince, and His princes have a heart that longs to find and pursue his princess. (I highly recommend reading “Captivating” and “Wild at Heart” by John and Stasi Eldredge that really explains this concept so well). So if you are single right now, read on.... Some of you might be quite content enjoying the freedom and time to focus on yourself and that is fabulous. But some of you might have recognized the longing in your heart to be swept off your feet by your knight in shining armour and find this season a bit more difficult. When I was young, I thought it was quite simple - I would meet a guy at 18, marry at 21 and have kids at 25. That was just the plan, and it never occurred to me until literally I was almost 18 and there was no guy in sight that maybe, just maybe, “my plan” was not “God’s plan”. And as I’ve shared in previous blog posts, although I did meet a guy shortly before my 19th birthday, he did not end up being the right one but I eventually got to know, and started dating, my prince over 5 months ago. Upon turning 18, I actually struggled a lot with my singleness. I knew I was only young, but I think for me what made it so hard was that since I was about 14, when I met or saw guys, I would notice their interest in other girls my age, but it was never me. My heart just wanted to be seen and heard and loved and I was lonely. Thankfully at that same time of my life, I became part of a lovely community of girls at my church, most of who were also single, and that was super encouraging so here are some of the things I have learnt and some tips!

Tip #1 - get yourself into good community with other girls. Ideally single girls because they are likely to have more availability and are also in that same season of life. But it’s also good to have friends who are in relationships as well because you can actually learn a lot from watching and hearing about other people’s relationships. Actually make the effort to organise movie nights/beach days/shopping trips/anything else you love with whoever is around you and help create the community that you want to be a part of.

As well as being in a good community, I decided one day that I didn’t want to be miserable about my singleness, and wanted to learn how to be content in the season that God had me in. So I went on this ‘contentment journey’ where every morning I would get up and write in my journal “Today I am going to enjoy God’s blessings and trust God”. And that would help get my focus back on track to be grateful for all the people and things around me, and it meant I was less focused on what I thought I was missing. Over the next few months, I really noticed that I was not only not desperate for a boyfriend anymore, but I was actually thriving in life and loving the season that I was in... and was so busy that I thought it was good I didn’t have a boyfriend because I couldn’t fit him in!

Tip #2 - even when you don’t feel like it, speak the truth of what you WANT to do. I wanted to be content and happy so I spoke that over my day, and spoke the trust that I had in God’s timing, knowing that feelings follow our thoughts. Find a little strategy that works for you whether it’s a note on your car or mirror, or a particular song or phrase that you speak over yourself.

After my first break up, honestly, I was so preoccupied by just surviving and putting myself (or rather letting God put me) back together. Although I really missed having someone always there to talk to every day, I actually felt released from the enormous pressure I had been under. I knew that this guy was not the one for me, and God had someone else in mind and I was okay with waiting.

Tip #3 - be careful to guard your heart when you start getting to know guys because if you go too deep too quickly, it can be very easy to fall for them, or them for you. It's obviously a good idea to get to know guys you might be interested in dating, and guys are just good friends too. But emotional boundaries and not having too much one-on-one hangout time is really important for those early stages of getting to know someone before you actually start dating. Think through your messaging and conversations to check what signals you are communicating, and just enjoy getting to know them in groups.

When I went through my second break up, honestly, I was actually annoyed at myself (obviously I was quite upset too) because I felt like I had done a good job in the singleness season, and didn’t want to be back there, yet again. But that place of not having someone to rely on, and learning how to go to God first with everything, was exactly where I needed to be so that I could grow in my trust and faith in God. Again, I was faced with the choice to hate being back in this season, or to find how I could make the most of it, and how I could do it well. Knowing how lovely it is having a ‘special someone’, I definitely couldn’t wait until the right person came along. However the ‘mature’ part of me, aka my head, was grateful for the chance to really work on myself and get into a really good place with my relationship with God, and in life, before I entered into another relationship. I hoped I would not have to go through another break up so I knew that however long this season would end up being, I needed to make the most of it. I hoped it would be my last single season and I wanted to be the best version of me that I could be for my future prince.

Tip #4 - find opportunities to learn something new, or do a course (I did this Regeneration course which I was so glad I did single) or find a new hobby or volunteer somewhere. I know it’s a cliché, but this season is a gift and there are so many cool things that you can enjoy in life, with or without a special someone. In my uni holidays, I made a list of all the places I wanted to go to and just took myself out for nice nature walks or coffee dates or shopping dates and just did things that I enjoyed, even if it was by myself.

From that place, I honestly mentally prepared myself to be single for several years. I thought I had blown my chances and would just focus on my public health career and hopefully one day, God would bring someone along. However, when I least expected it, a new friend came into my life who was the exact guy God knew I needed. I didn’t find this out until much later, but while God was working on my heart, my now boyfriend was on his knees, praying about me and for me, waiting for the right timing to ask me out.

Tip #5 - The right guy, who is serious about you, will go to God before he goes to you. And likewise, you go to God before you go anywhere near the guy. There’s no rush to start dating someone you are interested in, and it’s so much better to take your time and be intentional.

Tip #6 - Write a list of all the qualities that you want in a future husband. Be specific - not in things like “he has to be X ft tall, __ colour eyes, wavy hair, etc” . But things like "someone who listens to me and values my opinion", "someone who is invested and involved in church", "someone who is family oriented", "someone whose actions speak louder than his words in regards to his character and integrity" etc. Once you’ve listed them, pray specifically through your list for your future husband and for those same qualities that you desire in your partner, for yourself. If you are single right now, you may not be building your relationship with that person yet, but you CAN (and might I add should) start praying into it. Praying for whoever my husband would be one day really helped me refocus my attention on my singleness to a healthier place of preparing for my future. Not a place of self-pity or loneliness, but going to God knowing that every prayer I prayed was a building block in the foundation of the marriage that I want one day.

While I am not single anymore, I still remember so clearly the feelings of loneliness, rejection, invisibility, impatience, and doubts about whether a prince would ever be in my future. If that’s you today, be encouraged that you are definitely not alone. I know there are so many clichés and ‘spiritual’ answers for your singleness, and some days we just don’t want to hear them. And that’s okay. God isn’t afraid of our frustration and impatience. He has enough grace to fill us with His strength, love, joy, contentment and peace for each and every day. Some days are easy, some moments are harder and that’s not because of your singleness because singleness isn’t a curse or a state of missing out. Singleness is just a stage of life and with every season, people have hard days, good days and challenges to overcome. There are blessings and challenges to all seasons, and that will never end. So take heart, learn how to be content in this season because this will set you up well for every future season. Be intentional in all the friendships in your world and most importantly, keep your eyes fixed on and stay close to Jesus. Love to you all, and my inbox is always open if any of you would like to discuss this further or you need any extra encouragement.